About Us
Who Are We? Depends Who's Asking.
Welcome to Gharquad Shield - a totally legitimate, absolutely not suspicious organization dedicated to safeguarding prophetic integrity . Founded approximately 2,000 years after it should've been, we operate at the intersection of satire , scripture and subversion . We are not a cult . We've just been right too many times . We don't just write blogs. We decode eschatology. We do not just sell merch. We arm the faithful ( in 100% cotton ) . We don't just watch. We Shield . Join us - or don't . The trees are watching .
We Believe in Truth , Satire , and Tactical Fig Trees
Uncompromising Satire
We believe that mockery is the highest form of sincerity. If it can't survive a joke, it probably should not exist
Leaf-Based Loyalty
When other trees rat you out , the Gharqad stands tall - spiteful , shady and stubbornly silent. We don't just defend ideas , we outlive betrayals .
Merch First , Questions Later
Nothing says "apocalyptic awareness" like sipping tea from ceramic heresy.
Don't Just Lurk in the Leaves -Get your Shield
The Prophecy Won't Fulfill Itself!
What We Offer (Besides Confusion and Fig-Based Paranoia )
At Gharqad Shield , we deliver premium-grade ideological protection through expertly crafted satire , theologically subversive content, and merch durable enough to survive the Tribulations ( probably ) . We don't just inform- we infiltrate. We don't just entertain - we eschatologically prepare. Whether you're here for the blog, the mugs , or to feel superior to trees that snitch , you are in safe - if slightly unhinged - hands.
Robes of Righteousness Were Out of Stock- So We Made T-shirts and Mugs Instead.
From prophecy-grade ceramic vessels to apparel strong enough to withstand divine judgement ( or your cousin's political opinions ) , our merch lets you broadcast your eschatological awareness in style . Each item is blessed with just enough irony to confuse your enemies and impress the algorithm.
Where Satire Meets Scripture and Silly Prophecies Get Roasted
Our Blog is a sanctuary for those who like their theology sharp, their eschatology spicy , and their commentary completely unfit for polite company. Dive into deep - Digging articles , laugh with us about ridiculous Hadiths , enjoy our signature "Friends of Each Other " rubric , dedicated to secret alliances . Updated regularly , or whenever the fig trees whisper.
Fuel the Mission. Fund the Madness. Water the Tree.
Your support helps Gharqad Shield grow it's reach, sharpen it's message , and continue planting eschatological landmines across the digital landscape. Every donation strengthen our ability to create content, produce unreasonably clever merch, and spread our dangerously reasonable ideas further than ever.
And we're not just hoarding fig leaves - we'll be linking arms( and wallets ) with select non-profits that align with our mission of sanity , satire , and stubborn resistance. Support the Shield . The forest's full of snitches - we need louder roots .